The “Why im Miserable” Series: Not Getting Enough

i’ve had a big problem with the notion of not getting enough time with You. Had it when i lived in Adrian and thought once a month would be it, had it when that turned out to be every two weeks, had it when i moved here and saw You close to every day. Kitten moving here has probably INCREASED the actual time i see You, but has also brought the problem to the forefront… how will it ever be “enough” when now i am sharing what WASN’T “enough”?  

i’m not sure i can express how awful this feels.  i burst into tears and cant breath just barely thinking about it.  i try so hard NOT to think about it because i stop functioning really quickly when i touch that sore painful spot. But it’s festered up and refuses to be ignored anymore. Being strong isn’t working. Thinking on You when its happening just makes it all the worse.  

Sobbing like a forlorn creature right now as i write, even as i know i will see You for church. it just hurts THAT much.

Maybe this is just “slave desperate”. Maybe i need to have it beat out of me. Haven’t had a good broken cry in a long time.  i dont know.

i know its impacting the time we DO have together.  i start getting sad about You leaving waaaaaay before time for You to go.  When i was driving You home last week, with kitten in the front, You being chauffeured, the tears started while i was driving.  Couldn’t do anything about it but let them drip.  If i had said something as it happened the dam would have burst and prolly would have driven off the road.  Kitten saw, and asked if i were ok when we stopped for gas.  i told her it was Pre-Separation Anxiety,  which is as good a term as any, and that i was a big baby.  

i had the thought then how i hated not being able to sit next to You any more, that i needed CLOSER together, not further apart. Hated that i couldn’t hardly hear anything You said.  Felt so stupid and petty for being SO upset about seating arrangements!

i mean, if im not getting “enough” time, then gosh i sure don’t want to spend the time we DO have being sad about it ending!  i try and i try and i just cant make it happen. 

Maybe i really do need to get it beat out.  i reign it back so i can function, so it never gets to run itself out.

Why haven’t i said anything before now? i have… i just didn’t have the problem identified.  All i could say was i was sad…unhappy…miserable.  It had to happen over and over and over again for me to see the pattern, to identify the cause.  i don’t know if this is the ONLY thing poking at my head and heart, but it surely must be a major factor. 

Maybe a really loooooooong leash? 

 

How We Met

taken from a post that was taken from a letter that was taken from a text

I think by now you know I am a writer.  🙂   Everything eventually gets written down.  The more excited I am, the faster it gets “published”.  Our First Date, and everything leading up to it, certainly qualified. 
As with all stories, this one may have events blended into one for better story telling.  Scenes of a sexual/sensual nature cause this story to be rated PG13.  No nudity was involved (damn it).  Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
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I’m so happy I just had to share with someone This is taken from an IM session with my bestie. We hadn’t girl talked for a while because she was having family issues, not least of all was her mother dying. I’m famous for my story telling, so that’s why it’s written the way it is. Its long, so TIA for reading
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How S and I found each other: This is the story as I perceive it. I’ve made a few assumptions or guesses about how he was feeling at times, which I hope to have corrected if needed.
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I found an on line service I liked, one that made you give a really in depth profile, including issues I found really important, like religion, politics, mental/physical illness/issues acceptance, and so on. I did not want to find a match only to have to disclose deep dark secrets later. I wanted to KNOW, I wanted HIM to know. You know?
So for a week, I was brutally honest. I addressed stuff I’d stashed in the back corner of my soul for years and years. It was the best therapy I’ve ever been in. It was hard, it was embarrassing, I cried over stuff, I admitted stuff… It was liberating.
I was equally picky about the kind of guy I was looking for. Why go through all of this and not be? I never expected to get a perfect match, that would just be silly. I am realistic, after all. And certainly I would not be 100% for anyone, either. Too flawed for that!
But like I said, I wanted to give it an honest shot.
So, after answering several hundred questions (oy) I finally hit the “search” button
And “HE” came up with a 99% compatibility
NINETY FREAKING NINE PERCENT!

Well, I spent the next few days just staring at his profile lol I couldn’t believe it. The first line in the bit where you write about yourself was “I am a Christian and love Christ.”
And the rest was equally as compelling. Just as I was working up the nerve to message him, he messaged me with this: Hi. Just checking out your perfection. Will take me a while to absorb all that beauty.
lol what a sweet talker
And we’ve been talking on line every night since then. He’s former Air Force and we talked military talk together without having to explain ourselves. He, like me, has been married and divorced twice. We told each other all the gory details and our hearts went out to each other. Oh my, I sound like a romance novel, but it all actually happened! To feel like this without having any idea about “the chemistry” is astounding. Soulmates. Actual, literal, soulmates.
As far as what does he look like? Not what you’d guess! He’s not my typical type at all, which if you think about it, is a good thing. Hadn’t been working out in the past, now had it? In his profile picture, you can see he has a mustache, a goatee, and long grey hair. Longer than mine. But the more we talked, the cuter he got…
Sorry, I had to pause to swoon a little. Anyway, we talked about stuff I’ve never talked about with anyone, not even a counselor. Immediate understanding and compassion and acceptance. And insight! We both were able to give each other some insight on our issues. Amazing.
Well
Friday we were talking about the weekend. I of course was working half of it. He was going to his daughter’s All American Soccer match… in Detroit. And he just kind of casually put out there that he’d been to Adrian before. And I said, are you telling me I might get to meet you tomorrow? And he said yes, if it would please me
Well, of course it would! And, not being a complete idiot, I suggested meeting in Ann Arbor, which didn’t really take him too much out of his way, was a reasonable drive for me, and followed the on line dating etiquette of not letting them know exactly where you live. And since both of our answers to the question “what would be your perfect first date” was “a walk in the park” I picked the botanical gardens run by UoM. Yup, it was only in the mid 50’s when we would meet, but I figured I’d be more comfortable outside, (and in the cold, hot flashes!) and if he could sit through it at a soccer game, he should be able to hack the cold for me Plus he was born in Michigan, so he has ice in his blood
So we would meet. Yesterday at work was a trial, let me tell you. Somehow I got everything done, but I couldn’t tell you how. Must have went into perfection mode, so I could leave as fast as possible lol I dunno. Not all that nervous, really (thank you, Zoloft) just suffering from anticipation. I made B be my person, gave her all the information I had on him, and told her to use it if I didn’t show up on Tuesday I wasn’t actually worried, but was just playing by the rules.
Ok, so we get there at exactly the same time, I passed his car as he was making the turn lol I knew it was him from the car and the mop of very bright grey hair! Because I then began to freak out a little, I ended up parking WAY away from the entrance, but it was good because I enjoyed myself as I walked up behind him as he was looking around for me. I started to snicker and he spun around, put a beautiful white rose in my hand, and I hugged him.
He does not have grey hair. Or, its the most beautiful grey I’ve ever seen. I would gladly have grey hair if it looked like that. Pearly ultra white blonde. His profile picture doesn’t do him justice. Yes, he’s got a belly, but his picture makes him look 14 months pregnant, and its just a 52 yo guys belly. His eyes get all grey and smoky in the right light. Uh, yeah, the only time I could stop looking at him was when I would realize I was practically drooling and looked away. And then look back.
We walked and sat and talked and saw a crane, a buck, a chipmunk, and a duck. Bizarrely, he was way more nervous and shy than I was, although I did lapse into silence now and then. But it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. And then, are you ready for this? This I’ve told no one, so feel privileged…
He kissed me. It was soft and sweet and hot, and way too short. We walked some more.
The wind picked up a little and blew his hair in his face. He was a little nervous about me thinking it was girly hair… long haired conservative? yeah I understood the nerves lol Well he fumbled a bit, being embarrassed and unsure of how I felt about his hair, or him, and I just reached out and tucked it behind his ear. Sooooo silky. Um, then I had both hands IN his hair and he grabbed my face and we had this blockbuster movie kiss right in the middle of the great outdoors, in front of God and anyone that might walk by! Oh, my!
Chemistry? Check! We spent 2 1/2 hours outside in the cold, it seemed like minutes. We talked a bit about date 2, which won’t be for a while because he’s got his two youngest this next week and weekend. So hopefully we’ll work something out for two weeks from now. He walked me to the back lot where my car was, and I just did not want to get in the car. I was freezing but I didn’t care. We both stretched it out as long as possible, but knew we had to leave before the park closed. So finally I dragged my butt in my car and went home. Me being me, I got very insecure. Did it go as well for him as it did me? You know, the junk. Is my baggage plus his baggage just too much for him to deal with? Would I actually hear from him again? And thats what I meant when I told T I was waiting to change my status from “its complicated”. I woke up this morning, sore from all the walking (didn’t take that into consideration lol), opened up my messenger, and just let it sit. I was not going to make the first move. I was not going to beg or chase him, although I rather felt like it. Nope, not gonna happen anymore. Went about my business. DING! He messaged me, we talked, and I changed my status.
And now you are all caught up, with some extra juicy tidbits. Sorry its a freaking novel, but you know how I am with a story!

i hate weigh ins

So, my weight last week was 214.8. ive got to lose 1 pound. ive been working out; walking early this week, then at the gym the latter half. ive been uber watchful of what i eat.

Big deal.

Yesterday morning i weighed in at 210.8. That felt awesome, but it didnt count because it wasnt official weigh in day. And that was ok because if i lose 4 pounds overnight or even in a week, im probably NOT going to lose ANY the next week, no matter what i do. my own history has shown that. Inches maybe, probably even…but that also doesnt count. The scale is what matters.

Last night i got on the scale, just out of curiosity. 213.8. And thats fine…but it doesnt count. Still not official. What will i weigh later today or tomorrow when “official” happens? If its 213.8 or less, yay but i wont feel like its due to anything ive done as much as just dumb luck i got to step on the scale at the right time. And if its more? BAD GIRL status for a week, with all the unpleasantness that comes with it. Wont matter that i did everything right. Wont matter that my clothes are falling off, that i lost another size. Wont matter that yesterday was 210. It just wont matter.

And knowing that it wont matter … stinks.

Disappointing Him. Getting lectured. Getting a bad girl spanking. No cumming for a week. Last time added in writing lines. Trying so hard to not let all that color my mood… always there under the surface. Always fighting it down. Get over it. Buck up. Just eat less move more, you’ll lose.

Maybe. Maybe not.

What say you, Sadistic Scale?

Eating too much or being a sloth…Bad Girl
Eating right, exercise….Bad Girl…or if lucky, Good Girl.
i dont feel like im part of the process.

Ok. Melt down allotted time over. Breakfast (oatmeal, banana) then gym.

Big Deal.

UPDATE: i hid the scale (from myself) in the bathroom cabinet. it wont change the outcome, but its one less portion for me to stress over.

The “L” Word

i feel weird saying “i love You” while we’re having sex. Its like saying it then diminishes the meaning…cause we both know that love does not equal sex. Sex does not equal love.

It doesn’t.

They don’t.

Except…

This is You and me i’m talking about. And at this moment, we are indeed expressing our love with our bodies. It doesn’t matter what You might have done to me a few moments ago…this is now and now we are connected in body and spirit. my heart is swelling with tenderness for You. i have so many feelings, i don’t have names for them all…

but i do know love.

So im going to open my mouth and speak from my heart. You will be pounding me with Your cock, and im going to tell You i love You. And while i love Your cock and what You are doing with it, thats not why im saying it when i do.

im saying it because i can’t continue living without saying it.
im saying it because You need to hear it as much as i need to say it.
im saying it because if i don’t the rocks may cry it out.
im saying it because i think that maybe, just maybe, its actually supposed to be like this.
im saying it because

its true

Daddy, i love You.

grumpy, snarky, passive aggressive, complaining, irritating, not a happy camper vent and or rant

1. ive kept your cars gassed, bought groceries, gave you money when you stocked up on paper products including diapers, wipes, tampons, and pads, bought meals out numerous times, gave you over $400.00 to get your car fixed… and me offering to pay a third of the bills in a 5 person household isn’t enough?

2. ive washed so many loads of clothes i couldn’t begin to guess, i dried and folded and hung them, i sorted them as best i could between hers and his, big kid little kid, linens, bath towels, kitchen towels….gathered clothes from the bathrooms, the hall, the bedroom, the living room, the dinning room, and the kitchen…And since i cant make heads or tails out of your organization as far as dresser drawers goes, i left neat piles of clean clothes on your bed, which i made, for you to simply put away. And this you don’t like. You don’t like coming home to clean clothes on your bed because when bedtime comes, you’ve got to (whine) put them away just so you can get in the bed. Oh for freaks sake, grow up all ready! Do i really have to point out that by 9 you’ve had literally hours to put them away, taking less than five minutes of your precious video game time?

3. you say your electric bill is a hundred dollars more than last year? i have no issue paying my share. And hecks, just because theres no need to squabble, we wont count the kids electricity usage, lets just split it three ways. oh wait, that would only be 70 dollars. But its 100 higher. So, my fan, two lightbulbs, and hot water cost a hundred a month? Wow. Just curious, how much do you think YOU waste on the three or four lights i find on every morning after you leave? And the tv thats left on over night and all day and when you go out? How about the exhaust fan thats always on? A little air freshener would be cheaper than the electric usage and the conditioned air being blown out the roof. How about the dishes that you wash and then put through the dishwasher? Seriously?

4. want the house tidy when you get home? you do realize that the toys, half full soda cans, milky baby bottles, dirty diapers, clothes, mail, school books, purses, shoes, and food crumbs all over the place ARE NOT MINE? the dirty dishes, random groceries, food wrappers, and personal hygiene products on the kitchen counter? also not mine.

4.1. did you know that i cleaned up before i left for the day? and that the mess you came home to today was created by the members of your family that got home between me leaving and you getting home?

5. do you know that if you keep letting that child throw food on the carpet without cleaning it up, there are going to be MAGGOTS in your carpet. creepy gross nasty maggots. it will happen. oh, and btw, yelling at said child to stop throwing food, or to pick up the food, and then not following through, means the food is still on the carpet. getting ground in. decomposing, which is a nice way of saying ROTTING, just waiting for some fly eggs to be laid and hatch.

5.1. while we are talking about throwing, the main reason why this kid throws everything is because YOU throw everything! No? wanna tell me how the remote just got from one side of the room to the other? how about the diaper? you do it…i see it…the kid sees it….but you dont see it.

6. i understand getting annoyed that every time you need to do something for the baby, the toddler gets in the way. do you know that not once since ive been here have i seen you cuddle that toddler. Not. Once. Just because he is all of three doesn’t mean cuddles lose importance. Cuddles are a lifetime requirement. They are IM POR TANT. Just ask someone who grew up without them, how important they are.

6.1 i also havent seen you feed him dinner but a few rare times. gummy fruit snacks, goldfish crackers, sodas, chocolate rewards for using the potty, yes….but not even when you eat dinner do you fix him a plate. gosh wonder why he is grumpy and irritable in the evening? And then, to hear him plainly say “im hungry” and no one does anything? its darn hard to just sit back and be quiet.

7. i think generosity is a great quality, and should be exercised as often as possible. But your responsibilities come first. So when you gave $100.00 to your pal THE SAME DAY after i spent $400.00 on your car because you couldnt afford to fix it… i just don’t have words.

8. thank you to anyone who bothered to read this rant. getting it out helped!

food log

coffee with powdered creamer, Splenda…..75
banana…..105
blueberries….40
nonfat yogurt…..90
cereal…..200
apple slices…..30
banana colada smoothie…..230
minestrone…..250
egg sliders with fruit…..460
lemonade…..120
TOTAL…..1610

cut back on cereal or look for lower cal brand
buy small bananas

sad

Daddy told me to write about my thoughts over the past three hours.

Mostly i just wanted it to be over, because i hated the way i was feeling. Not just the burn, but emotionally, mentally. i didn’t want to do it (i had already inserted the hot sauce+ coated plugs). i wanted to refuse. (already doing it!) i dreaded hearing a new message pop up. i hated that i dreaded it. i hated that i wanted to refuse. i hated feeling like i was being punished without understanding why. i hated feeling that way while knowing that at least to start with, it wasn’t punishment. i hated all the blogs id read on rules and protocol, because hardly any match His expectations of me. i hated not understanding what those expectations were. i hated being confused.

And i hated all the hatred.

When the training was majorly over, i felt sad. Hate is anti me, and anti me makes me sad.

im suppose to feel grateful for the training. i AM grateful that He values me enough to train me, but did i learn anything?

i dont know .

and i hate that.

sad.