Old, Irrational Fear

Why did tsg try to hide her less than perfect profile? Why was she afraid for Master to see it? Fear.  A panic set in when He suggested tsg might want to make a profile on fet life, and she knew she already had one, had not told Him about it, and that it was not written in even a submissive style, much less in slave speak. tsg had already gotten into trouble for being disrespectful, so she didn’t want Him to see a profile full of improper capitalization’s and such a casual tone.  So, she changed it.  Cleaned it up. Changed all the he his him to He His Him.  Changed I my mine to tsg tsg’s.  Updated some information that had changed since she wrote it. In the great scheme of things, the changes themselves were minor.  But she was scared of His reaction.

Why in the world was tsg scared of the reaction of the man she has literally given and trusted her life to?  Over what was basically an editing issue? she could have simply said Master, tsg already have a profile on fetlife, but its very poorly written. If it pleases You, your slave would appreciate Your suggestions on improving it. (Even now as tsg writes this, she wanted to say that Your slave would clean it up first before You saw it… argh, learn, woman, learn!) Master is neither mean nor unreasonable, He very well could have just helped tsg fix it without any repercussions whatsoever. But she was embarrassed by how she had written it…  and the thought of Him finding fault in it (and therefore in her) sent her into a panic.

Why panic? What was there to get all freaked out about?  her past experiences: the only thing tsg has to base her expectations upon. she has had to deal with a lot of rejection, a lot of anger; a lot of being told she had screwed up things she’d had nothing to do with, ruined things by not being more than she was; feeling worthless and useless and completely undesirable.  her innocent acts of service and submission (not even tsg herself knew that’s what they were at the time) were looked upon with scorn at best, disgust more often than not. her ex-husband was an abusive control freak, and she lived much of their married life walking on egg shells, fixing problems as they arose to the best of her ability, because when faced with a problem to solve, he usually exploded. He threatened to throw tsg out, throw their baby son out, throw her out and keep their son himself, leave us with nothing, you name it, he said it.  Eventually, she learned to see a problem, say a late bill, not as something that just needed to be taken care of, but as something to hide every last trace of.

Soon tsg was hiding stuff left and right. That is a very hard and stressful thing to do.  Keeping secrets is a difficult job. One that can’t be done on a full time basis without at least some level of lying, deceit, dishonesty.  she hated having to lie, but tsg  really felt she had no choice. she was trapped. We had bills due but not the money to pay them. That was of course tsg’s fault, because she either did not have a job or was not making enough money at the jobs she had. (Some how, we could always afford beer and food for him and his friends.) tsg  juggled things as best she could, never telling him anything. Why wake the dragon? To her husband, the only problems in their house were all about his stressed out wife.  He didn’t give a rats ass about WHAT was stressing her, just that he had to be around her in that condition.  On the rare occasion he would ask about something, tsg was so lost in secrecy she had no idea what was safe to say, safe to share. It was really bad. she hated it, and she was stuck in it. Whenever anything happened now, good OR bad, tsg went into self protection mode and kept it from sight.

Eventually, he did leave her for someone else. Somewhere deep in her mind, she logged that in as yet another failure on her part, not living up to expectations… not being good enough… not being worth the trouble.

So what does all of that have to do with fear over an editing issue?  Everything.

tsg had been somewhat on edge with Master, because she’s so new at the lifestyle, tsg just don’t know what He expects from her. tsg doesn’t mean cranky on edge, but, well, walking on those egg shells again. Timid, not wanting to make a mistake. Not wanting Him to find fault. Not wanting to disappoint.  And she knows all of that is silly, because we are BOTH new at this, we BOTH are going to make mistakes, and we BOTH know that. ( tsg want to be very clear that Master has NEVER acted like her ex-husband, or any ex-boyfriend… or really, any other man she’s ever met. He has NEVER insisted she be perfect or mistake proof. And no, Master is not a control freak. Master does take control, but He also holds HIMSELF responsible.  A control freak only blames others when things go wrong. Got it? Good! )  But there still dwelt in tsg that niggling nasty voice that told her over and over that not being correct or proper or slavish enough was going to drive Him away, that He would leave her, just like she deserved, just like every other man in her life had done. And that thought was indeed worthy of panic! With Master tsg feels she’s found a piece of herself that’s been missing forever. A piece that now found, she can not live without. (she is SUCH a slave) A piece she can not risk losing.  So, when confronted with being “found out”, the past old, irrational fear took over, tsg panicked, and she did what she hadn’t done in ages and ages… she covered it up.
Well, she tried to cover it up.  tsg is already too much His slave to actually hide it.  she basically ratted herself out 🙂  tsg told Master what she did, after the fact. she wasn’t even then thinking she had done anything at all wrong.  In her twisted little brain, she was just fixing another problem, and what He didn’t have to look at wouldn’t bother Him.  tsg had saved the day!

WRONG!

Oh goodness, wrong, wrong on so many, many levels.

tsg has no idea how He does it, but Master can change the tone of His voice IN A TEXT MESSAGE.  How is that possible?  tsg knew immediately that He was NOT happy with her.  Because she figured she must have gotten too casual and abandoned it all together (its happened before!) her protocol level instinctively shot up a notch. But that wasn’t the problem. In no uncertain terms, Master told tsg the problem.

tsg, intentionally or not, consciously or not, had shown lack of faith and trust in Him. Then she had been dishonest, and tried to cover it up, which impacted His faith and trust in her(ratting herself out counts for nothing, not even in her own mind 🙂  )  Basically, tsg had damaged the foundation of their relationship. The very best thing that has ever happened to just tsg, and, in her convoluted mind, she’s blowing it. Not only has she blown it, she’s blown it by trying to save it. her old irrational fear had come to life.

Except for a few biting, scathing texts (which Master can do without being rude, crude, or mean… ’cause He’s awesome like that) Master was very, very quiet.  tsg could see that He would enter text, then stop, possibly erasing, and entering again.  tsg kept saying to herself oh man, is He ever mad.  He is REALLY mad!  For an hour this went on, each completed text a little more raw than the last.  tsg protocol went to its highest level (for her) and she did the few things He asked of her as quickly as she could. It was with actual relief that tsg read His message that He was going to come to her and punish her, because she knew that meant He still felt we were worth the effort… but then He said something that made tsg physically ill, and to be honest, probably had the most impact of anything before or since: Master said He now was hesitating to collar her. Holy wow, tsg really HAD blown it. What happened next is detailed here, and here is where tsg stops, because the irrational fear was over… completely rational fear had taken its place.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s