The Dissolve of the Resolve (Punishment Part 2)

(part one coming soon, tsg is being backwards)

(written as if in real time)

Well, here we go. Just open the door and lets get this started. Stop being such a wuss. you earned, you take it.

tsg is tied to her bed, on the floor, pillow and blanket ready for her. 7 hours and 5 minutes until she can get up. Shouldn’t look at the clock, it will just make it seem longer.

Laying down now. Not so bad. tsg has never minded sleeping on the floor, although its usually been with more than just one blanket. And granted, its been a long time since she actually has slept on the floor. her son was still living with her then. Wow, several years. Not really sleepy yet. Can’t read, or surf the web. Just tsg and her brain for entertainment and company. Going over some of today’s conversations with Master. Started out so nicely. Why did tsg have to go and mess it up? No, don’t look at the clock. The alarm will go off when it’s time, and its only been a few minutes, surely.

Gee, the humidifier/fan combo is really stirring up a breeze. Feet are cold. Can just feel the air passing through the blanket. Nice. Oh well, should warm up soon. This low pile carpet is NOT cozy at all. Ugh, can feel every bone poking into the floor. Time to roll over.

Geesh, stop being such a wuss. Just settle in and relax. Ok, the feet may not warm up. Not with the breeze. Still can sleep with cold feet, done it before. Just go to sleep. Not. Comfy. At. All. No, not gonna check the time. It will just make tsg crazy.
Ok, this is silly. All tsg needs to do is calm her mind and go to sleep. Lets talk it out. Why is tsg here? she was bad, she was disrespectful, and in her and Master’s beliefs, she sinned against Him and against God. So guilt is keeping her mind active. Guilt and fear of repeating the mistake. Yeah, thats not helping. Brain, shut up! Go to sleep! Gees, its so cold in here now. Thermostat automatically sets itself at 62F at night. And this is an exterior room, facing the west, and the cold west wind. Generally, tsg LIKES the room to be cold, as long as the bed is warm, so the heat vent is closed off. Swell.

Ugh, not knowing the time is getting to tsg. Fine, checking the clock. Wonderful, 5 hours 17 minutes to go. DO NOT keep checking the clock!

Well, this is dumb. tsg should pray. Prayer usually either puts her to sleep or keeps her up all night. tsg will take either as long as the time passes quicker. Lord’s Prayer, then an immediate burst of tears. Not more crying? Oh yes, lots of crying and confessing and begging for guidance. Change me, Father, to be the girl You want me to be. A teary face and tear soaked hair make for extra coldness. (little voice in head says Excellent) Father, I know we all have a purpose, and whatever trials we suffer serve that purpose… after all we’ve been through, what IS our purpose, Father? How are we to serve You now? Yes, right, my purpose is to serve You by serving Him. And His purpose? To serve You. The details I not only don’t need to know but are not really any of my business. All I need to do is be obedient, to You, to Him, and my purpose is served. I may find my worth in that. Oh, bless Him, Father, take care of Him, keep Him safe and healthy. I don’t think I could go on without Him. No Lord, I would never do anything like hurt myself, but I would surely be shattered. It would be the end of me. Oh lovely, more water works.

Oh. No. No no no. ARGH! tsg needs to pee. %#$@! (little voice in head chuckles) Well, all the crying has been draining, should be able to sleep, even with a little urge to go. Just position self correctly… rolling. Turning. Shifting. Adjusting. Lets face it, not tired. Need to pee. Feet are little blocks of ice. Face is cold. Ugh, the cold makes the need to pee even worse (shut up little voice! stop laughing!) Sitting up, look at clock. Its usual getting up time, no wonder tsg needs to pee. Three and a half hours until reveille. Oh dear. This is going to be bad (SHUT UP) Its ok though, tsg can hold it. Mind over matter. she is not going to pee on the floor and ruin the carpet. she is not. NOT. Three hours, twenty minutes. STOP LOOKING AT THE CLOCK (for the love of all thats holy, please be quiet, little voice. this is hard enough. jerk)

Well, obviously not going to sleep. What can tsg do to pass the time? Grabs phone, intends to start blog… oh wait, no, can’t do that. This is SUPPOSE to be bedtime, and no phone or computer use at bedtime. Who would know? tsg would know. God would know. And in short order, Master would know, because tsg CAN NOT keep anything from Him. Its a good thing. Its annoying sometimes, but its a very, very good thing. tsg does not want to be burdened with secrets and hiding herself. That mess is OVER.

Ok, sitting in one position too long. Feet are going numb. Numb and cold, circulatory problems, not good. Got to get off butt. Standing up. Oh, ow. Tingly feet. Tingly bladder, too. Ugh, gravity is not good when you need to pee. Getting a little dizzy, standing in the dark, too, so sitting back down. Not crossing feet this time, legs straight out. Starts rolling from leg to leg… nice for feet, but makes bladder slosh around. Not good. Three hours, five minutes. tsg is not going to make it.

Oh yes she is! she is NOT NOT NOT going to ruin and replace a carpet just to make herself more comfortable. Besides, if she did go a head and pee on herself, she’d be colder still. Well, she’d be warmer for a bit. Could pee on her feet, it would be nice for them to be warm again. NO NO NO not going to happen. Stop thinking like that. (Ah, the mind rape has begun. Such fun!) (What? What part of me ARE you? Shut the !@#$% up! Bastard) Oh, dear Lord, must change positions again. What will get the pressure off the bladder? Ok, up on all fours, let it just hang down. Ahhhhh. Uh, brrrr.. what the… pussy is freaking wet. And cold exposed like this brrrrr. tsg IS NOT turned on. she’s not! Honestly, for once in last two months, she is NOT turned on. Leaking, maybe? (glares at voice, daring it to speak. Voice just grins and has a moment of glee) Can’t be, no way a leak would not turn into a gush. Just no way, not feeling like this.

OW! OW OW OW! Are you serious? Bladder cramps? OMG that f-ing hurts. OW! Time check, Two hours, forty minutes. Oh, tsg is NOT going to make it. Oh, how bad could it be? Oh, it would be bad. tsg is not a little dog that would make a little dog puddle. This would be epic. Ruined carpet and pad. Oh. My. Sweet. Lord, that hurts. Ok, back on butt. Oh, ow, no, moving hurts. Whimpering shall now commence. Ok, if tsg was chained up in the basement, she would do it. she would pee all over herself and the floor and sit in it and be f-ing freezing cold and nasty and smelly but the pain would stop. Oh, don’t think like that! Must stay strong to endure this. Why didn’t the little voice say something? Oh, the bastard is too busy rolling on the floor laughing outloud to make a snide comment. Hope you choke on it, bastard. Oh my dear Lord, tsg is losing her mind. (mind fuck!) (shut up!)

Ok, need a distraction. Ok, lets sing Christmas Carols. lalalalalala oh, its no use, can’t think, can’t remember words. Got to find a better position. Don’t even care about knees any more, just get on all fours. Ok, that helps, a little. tsg will take it. Hand on blanket is feeling something cold.. wetness? Can’t be pee, no way just a little would come out. Oh. No. No freaking way. This tsg must see. Grabs phone for light source, holds to hand, hand is smeared in red. Seriously? The period starts NOW? SERIOUSLY? Have I not enough to deal with as it is? Can’t do a darn thing about it. Tied to bed, ain’t going no where. Not going to disobey, don’t care the circumstances. Just will not do it. Ow, oh, cramp, bladder? Maybe, maybe not. Doesn’t really matter, hurts the @#$% no matter the cause. Oh Holy mother, that hurts that hurts that hurts. (you know what, little voice, go f yourself. seriously)

OW… and a gush… not pee! Oh gross. Yeah, that’s gonna be a mess. Time check… two hours, thirty minutes. Seriously? Only ten minutes has passed?
No way, no way on earth is tsg gonna make it another 2 1/2 hours. There’s just no way. she knows its only gonna get worse. And worse. AND WORSE. Now all she can think of is how much she needs to pee, how much it hurts. Tries to shift positions, but that just makes it hurt more. And dribble, just a bit. Oh yeah, that’s definitely pee now. Amazing its not just pouring out. OH, don’t think that. Makes it worse. Must distract self.

Sing some more. Old hymns. tsg starts singing through the pain, makes her think of the slaves down south before the Civil War, singing gospels… starts to chuckle at herself, gets knocked over by a wave of gut cramps. Can’t move at all without bringing on cramps. Doesn’t remember anything ever hurting like this.

Surely she could clean the carpet. she’s got a carpet cleaner, for goodness sake. she could use it right at 6, get it up before it dried in. No, can’t give in. Really? Why the heck not? (oh, is your RESOLVE DISSOLVING?) (yes, damn it, it is) (EXCELLENT!)

Oh, dear God, please make it stop! this slave will be good, she wants to be good. Please please please please please…. lots of crying and sobbing and ow-ing and miniscule shifting, looking for that centimeter that feels better… and not finding it.

Please Lord, change me, make me be whatever He needs me to be, please Lord. Oh, it hurts it hurts it hurts. Don’t let me ever ever forget this. Yes, Lord, I know I will continue to make mistakes, and Master will continue to correct me. But please let me learn. Please let me encourage Him and myself with signs of progress. Oh, oh oh oh Lord, I am so sorry I sinned. I am so sorry I was disrespectful. Please forgive me. So sorry. Oh I can’t do it, I can’t hold it.

And now that tsg’s resolve to not pee all over the carpet was gone, the little voice in her head started in on her (oh no you don’t, slave, you just hold it in now. you want to pee now, do you? you should have done that hours ago, fool. Now you need to tough it out. Lets see just how much pain you can take. You begged to remember this lesson, you begged for it to make an impression. Well, now that relief is possible, you may not have it. You resisted too long. Just take it. Suffer. Remember.)

Whatever little bit of self that might have been left was silent. The torture was so all encompassing, there was no avoiding it. There was no better position. There was no distracting. There were no thoughts other than holding on, hold on, hold on. When the feet started falling asleep again, tsg was forced to move. Another little spray of pee came out, another gush that was not pee, but there was nothing left in her that cared. All that mattered was suffering through it, remembering how she got there, learning so not to repeat her mistakes. Even checking the time was more than she could do.

Sounds of a phone alarm. A quickly untied rope. Dash for the toilet, driplets everywhere. Wailing as a tortured bladder tried to let go, after being restrained for so long. Sounds of running water, and scrubbing. The whirls and clicks of a PC booting up, so a clean, relieved, happy girl could try and wake up her Master.

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