Like many, if not most (if not all), D/s M/s relationships, Master has this little game where sometimes His little slave is not allowed to cum without permission. Fun times!

i have a problem with this. Not the concept; it can at times be most annoyingly pleasurable. At other times it can be exquisite torture. Fun times! The problem is that i don’t always know when the game is on, when the rule is in effect.

i could ask if the game is on every time, but most of the time by the time i get to a point where asking might be a good idea, i’m so far gone i can’t put words together to form a sentence.

See, my mind goes all linear and stuff. i’m reduced to acting in an a b c format… a He makes me need to cum, b i ask for permission to cum, c He grants it and i cum. But when He tells me to cum before i ask, or a c b, i don’t know what to do! i know that sounds completely stupid, but i’m telling you, this is how it works. i get all confused. i didn’t ask, i need to ask, but He already said to, do i still need to ask i didn’t ask, i need to ask loop loop loop.

This happened twice this past weekend. First was at a public play party.

​i was on the utility bench, getting caned and i have no idea what else, and there came a point where i could have cum, if  i had been able to ask. i just could not get the words out. Pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain, but the pain still hurts, and between the gasping and sobbing i simply could not ask. And in my little mind, that kind of play requires permission to cum. i don’t think Daddy has ever actually made that a rule, but it is a rule in my head. Certainly when i’ve been able to ask, He has said no often enough to reinforce the asking concept. Geesh, looking back, i would have loved dearly to cum on that bench. But i couldn’t because i couldn’t ask. i just did not have the ability. i was sure He wanted me to cum, as it was His goal for me to cum in public, but we didn’t discuss permission beforehand, and i  was incapable after.

(Still at the play party, we moved to watch others on the St Andrews crosses and to claim one when they were done. ​i knew He would put me on one facing forward, part humiliation with the audience, part easy access for the Hitachi to pussy, and part, i think, because He knows i’m not the biggest fan of frontal whippings, and He is going to break me of that. Everything i got out of it aside, from being totally used and feeling all little and subbie to squirty orgasms, the best part was being able to watch Daddy work. i’m usually either blindfolded or simply at the wrong angle to see Him. It was amazing. i loved seeing Him smile… you know, the privilege of seeing that smile is one of the most precious things in my life. His happiness is THE most important thing to me. But i digress…)

The second time was at the theater.

​i had packed a specific outfit to wear there, because i knew He would try to “interfere with His babygirl in public”, as a favorite author puts it. In other words, i wore a short and very movable skirt, with a thin button down shirt that was barely buttoned. In two words: easy access. A short time after the lights dimmed, Daddy’s hand was on my knee, on my thigh, between my legs, and in my pussy. So much went through my mind…must be quiet…no don’t throw head back…no gasping…does He want me to cum, should i ask, He’s fingering insistently? Loop loop loop! Yeah that last one stopped the buildup, and He stopped, too. Rational thinking returned to determine that yes of course He wanted me to cum, we are out in public after all (LOL) and no i don’t need to ask, too likely to be overheard by said public if i did. Happily, His hand returned, fingers worked pussy insistently, and i came for Him.

So there are times when ​i am 99% sure i need to ask for permission, and other times when i am 100% sure i don’t. Requiring permission requires bringing me to the brink, not pushing me over the cliff. The Hitachi definitely pushes me over the cliff, as do certain other things, like clit biting and that heavenly insistent fingering… i’m lucky that covers most of our activities, but i sure would like to get the rest sorted out.

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