What Happened? A Melt Down

Woke up without complaint. Phone had crawled under the bed, so once i found it i texted a good morning to Daddy. He is at work, so i didnt wait for a reply. Made coffee, took my meds, ate an apple.

message received

my Daddy! We texted back and forth a bit, and Daddy commented that He needed a bigger keyboard. i teased that my iPad had a big one (Daddy is a bit antiApple). He laughed and teased back that i needed a spanking… and thats where i started to lose it. Let me very clear, i KNOW He was teasing. The laughing and emoticons made that clear. But it was the straw that started the camels snowball 🙂

i teased back that i WAS a good girl, but that yes i needed a spanking. We bantered some more, He said some things that made me all hot and wet and bothered, and then something that could have made me cum, right then and there, just from the words. i really had to fight to hold it back… and then i wondered if i had needed to. And the old confusion resurfaced…

When we first started this relationship, Daddy told me He loved it when i came and that He would not restrict me from it, i could cum whenever i wanted, i just needed to thank Him. Some times i would message Him thanks in the middle of the night because i came in my sleep 🙂 Now, this was in the beginning, like i said. Since then we have discovered an interest in orgasm denial and on command.

Sometimes He tells me not to cum without permission. Which kinda implies that if He hadnt said that, i could cum without asking.
Sometimes He does things to me that overpowers everything in me and i could not hold back upon pain of death. So im not asking. And He is fine with that.
Sometimes He brings me to the brink and i beg and He pulls back with a No Not Yet. God help me but i love that.

And sometimes He asks me how many times ive come that day, either in response to something He knows will get me going, or just put of the blue. And He seems disappointed if i say not any. Which leads me to believe that He wanted me to cum… like He had said in the beginning. Except that i think im suppose to ask…beg…except He really seemed like He had wanted me to cum freely… Can we say confused?

And of course there was our first time playing in public. i was so wound up i couldnt speak, in pain, in pleasure, in humiliation… i couldnt beg. i seriously couldnt put words together in my head. He wanted me to cum while using the first station, but i didnt know if i had to beg, and i couldnt speak, so by default i didnt cum. He was disappointed and told me so. i didnt know!

And i still dont know. in this mornings conversation, yes i could have asked. But by the time i had wrestled it back to have enough control to peck out a text message and wait for the answer, the moment would be gone. So i just didnt cum. And confusedly felt i had let Him down some how. That brought on the first tears.

i did however decide to ask about this.

i REALLY hate texting. i feel like everything can be so easily misinterpreted. ive gotten in trouble for saying things wrong and for not being able to fix it. If that sounds unfair, its not. ive always been able, eventually, to see why He read it the way He did, and ive learned to try to proofread from His viewpoint. It just doesn’t always work.

Anyway, i asked if i had permission to cum from His words alone. He answered “have you no manners that you dont say your may i’s and pleases?

cue water works

i wasnt asking for that specific moment, but i think that may be how He read it. i can see that. How afterall would He know it had been on my mind so long? That i was going back to something He had said months and months ago? Once again, i cant put a simple question in the right words to be understood. Frustrated with myself, i try to text what i am thinking, but now i look at every word with suspicion, wondering how it will be taken. Do i sound defensive? Am i offering excuses? Am i being self serving?

i erase line after line, and get a little hysterical. Its not right to take so long in responding to Him.

And then He said something about increased training and discipline, because i have backsliden due to our temporary separation (separation in distance, not hearts).

This is where the snowballing really started to roll. i want training. i want discipline. But this seemed just awful. i had tried to clear some confusion, to understand what He actually wanted of me, and i get remedial training. i mean, for petes sake, i know we have been sort of picking at things, rules, rituals, protocols, discipline, punishments, because we do not live near each other and its silly, even detrimental, to make rules without the ability to enforce, correct, punish in the moment. i know this! i suspect boot camp is in my future, and i welcome it. But this morning, it was just too much, too far away, too confusing.

So i ended up texting of my confusion and turmoil, and apologizing. i dont think He was expecting that. He seemed a little taken aback at the turn we had taken. My poor Daddy, bless Him, He has a crazy little girl to deal with.

So, He tells me to try to asking from the heart, being explicit and concise.

begin uncontrollable sobbing

What does any of that mean? Ask from the heart? As opposed to what? What am i typing that seems less than heartfelt? oh, confusion… Explicit? i always thought that meant strong adult language, and i know thats not what Daddy wants from His little girl. it means, i think, to say exactly what is meant in no uncertain terms. But how can i do that and also be concise? i dont mean to be dense, and in general i can do all that, but in this instance i felt i had asked exactly what i had wanted to ask in under two full texts, and it was still mistaken. What exactly am i suppose to do?

i was inconsolable. i sobbed and sobbed. i dressed and sobbed. i brushed my teeth and sobbed. i curled up on my bed and sobbed. i blew my nose and washed my face and took a big breath and sobbed. And through all of this, i could not understand my reaction. it was so over blown, i thought. The tears flowed and i couldnt figure the source. i mean, these issues were not new, so why the high drama? id take a breath, pull it together, glance at the phone, and it would start all over.

i told Daddy i was having a hard time, and that talking right then was making it worse. i asked if i could go to the gym, and try to find some balance in my work out. He said yes, but that i was to cum first even as i cried, and then later to tell Him what was troubling me.

wailing, hair pulling, sobbing

it wasnt easy. Daddy’s trained me to cum on command, and it usually happens pretty easily, sometimes effortlessly. Cumming while curled in the fetal position pulling ones hair is a tall order. i had to use makeshift toy, but i did get there. im sure it took longer than normally allowed, but Daddy knew i was in trouble emotionally and did not scold me. i thanked Him for the O and for being so understanding and patient. And after some more crying and nose blowing, i went to the gym.

The gym helped. Thank God. i still get teary if i think about it, and i cried some writing this, but its so much better than this morning.

So what really was wrong? What was the big underlying issue that sent me down a river of tears?

No idea. Probably no one thing, but the cumulation of everything from being unclear on rules, to uprooting myself, to being ill, to huge medical bills, to being a too long term guest, to dealing with tenants, to missing the love of my life.

It was just a perfect storm.

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