sad

Daddy told me to write about my thoughts over the past three hours.

Mostly i just wanted it to be over, because i hated the way i was feeling. Not just the burn, but emotionally, mentally. i didn’t want to do it (i had already inserted the hot sauce+ coated plugs). i wanted to refuse. (already doing it!) i dreaded hearing a new message pop up. i hated that i dreaded it. i hated that i wanted to refuse. i hated feeling like i was being punished without understanding why. i hated feeling that way while knowing that at least to start with, it wasn’t punishment. i hated all the blogs id read on rules and protocol, because hardly any match His expectations of me. i hated not understanding what those expectations were. i hated being confused.

And i hated all the hatred.

When the training was majorly over, i felt sad. Hate is anti me, and anti me makes me sad.

im suppose to feel grateful for the training. i AM grateful that He values me enough to train me, but did i learn anything?

i dont know .

and i hate that.

sad.

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