The “Why im Miserable” Series: Not Getting Enough

i’ve had a big problem with the notion of not getting enough time with You. Had it when i lived in Adrian and thought once a month would be it, had it when that turned out to be every two weeks, had it when i moved here and saw You close to every day. Kitten moving here has probably INCREASED the actual time i see You, but has also brought the problem to the forefront… how will it ever be “enough” when now i am sharing what WASN’T “enough”?  

i’m not sure i can express how awful this feels.  i burst into tears and cant breath just barely thinking about it.  i try so hard NOT to think about it because i stop functioning really quickly when i touch that sore painful spot. But it’s festered up and refuses to be ignored anymore. Being strong isn’t working. Thinking on You when its happening just makes it all the worse.  

Sobbing like a forlorn creature right now as i write, even as i know i will see You for church. it just hurts THAT much.

Maybe this is just “slave desperate”. Maybe i need to have it beat out of me. Haven’t had a good broken cry in a long time.  i dont know.

i know its impacting the time we DO have together.  i start getting sad about You leaving waaaaaay before time for You to go.  When i was driving You home last week, with kitten in the front, You being chauffeured, the tears started while i was driving.  Couldn’t do anything about it but let them drip.  If i had said something as it happened the dam would have burst and prolly would have driven off the road.  Kitten saw, and asked if i were ok when we stopped for gas.  i told her it was Pre-Separation Anxiety,  which is as good a term as any, and that i was a big baby.  

i had the thought then how i hated not being able to sit next to You any more, that i needed CLOSER together, not further apart. Hated that i couldn’t hardly hear anything You said.  Felt so stupid and petty for being SO upset about seating arrangements!

i mean, if im not getting “enough” time, then gosh i sure don’t want to spend the time we DO have being sad about it ending!  i try and i try and i just cant make it happen. 

Maybe i really do need to get it beat out.  i reign it back so i can function, so it never gets to run itself out.

Why haven’t i said anything before now? i have… i just didn’t have the problem identified.  All i could say was i was sad…unhappy…miserable.  It had to happen over and over and over again for me to see the pattern, to identify the cause.  i don’t know if this is the ONLY thing poking at my head and heart, but it surely must be a major factor. 

Maybe a really loooooooong leash? 

 

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